I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
