so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
