I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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