dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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