Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
