After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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