Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize