scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
