The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
