I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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