He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
