A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
