can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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