I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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