i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
