That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
