it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
