just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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