3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
