I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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