Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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