my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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