I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you never un-have a 4some
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
