For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
