I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
