gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize