Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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