theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
