i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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