My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
