girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
