Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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