Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
