he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
