I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
