HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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