peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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