I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
