new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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