He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
