My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
