I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
