someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
