remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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