You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
