omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
