My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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