i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
