I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
