Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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