What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i will never coherently bang her
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
