I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
