P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
