after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
